


Slayers And Morons

by Ladytalon



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Thirst
Genre: Crossover, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-10
Updated: 2010-06-10
Packaged: 2017-10-10 01:09:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/93571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ladytalon/pseuds/Ladytalon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Buffy gets the jump on Lenny, who makes it all too easy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Slayers And Morons

_________________________________

Buffy backed outside through the diner's door, Wild Bill shuffling after her interestedly – she still wasn't sure exactly what he was, but if he actually thinking she was going to ask him out on a date…well, she'd seen pet rocks with more brains. _That's it, you big lump…come on…_

The door chimed as it closed behind them, and Buffy could see the waitress running for the keys to lock them out as she glanced around the walking mountain following her. "Where we goin'? Ah'm hungry," Bill rumbled.

"Then I'm sure you won't mind eating dirt," Buffy shot back, darting forward to plant her fist in his face. A punch that hard would knock down even one of the First's pet vampires; her eyes widened in disbelief as Wild Bill only grunted and shook his head from side to side in irritation.

He lunged for her suddenly and she threw herself back – his fist only caught her shoulder in a glancing blow, but Buffy found herself on her ass and feeling as though a horse had kicked her. She'd first thought he had to have been on drugs, but she was more convinced than ever that this…thing…was the person in the news reports. "That ain't nice, tryin' to hit a fella," Wild Bill lectured, reaching down for her.

Buffy grabbed his arm and levered herself to her feet, using his momentum against him. Kicking just below his knee and yanking on his arm, Wild Bill went down heavily. "It's also not very nice to try and rip someone's arm off," she pointed out. She drew her foot back to kick him, but Bill was already moving. He grabbed her leg and knocked her off balance, leaping atop her. "Ever hear of Listerine?" she gasped, trying to wriggle out from under him.

"Lister_whut?_" He paused in confusion, his grip loosening enough for her to jerk her head up so that her forehead connected with his nose sharply. Bill immediately fell off her clutching his nose and yelling something, but she was already halfway across the parking lot towards her car – he might be built like a Mack truck, but she was willing to bet no one would be the same after getting run over by a Taurus.

He caught her just as she got the door open, and Buffy kicked a leg back into him as she whirled to slam the car door against his head. Wild Bill's grunt of anger turned to a yowl as she leapt inside the car and closed the door on his fingers. Starting the car, Buffy floored the accelerator until she was far enough away then threw it in reverse and backed into the maniac. The car rocked as she ran over him, and Buffy drove over him once more just in case before getting out and walking around to make sure he was dead. She blinked in astonishment when she cleared the front bumper to see that there was no body there – the only thing left on the ground was a smear or two of blood, and a battered hat. Where was he?

The man leaped out at her suddenly, and she ducked to avoid the punch he threw at her. "You dunno when ta give up, do ya, girl?"

"Is that your real accent? Because if it is, I feel sorry for you," Buffy said, rolling away from another blow. How could someone that big move so fast? "What's your name?" she asked just to slow him down.

He immediately stopped to scowl at her. "Leonard."

"No, really. What's your name?"

"Everybody jus' calls me Lenny," the big man offered, scratching at his rumpled hair. "Why d'ya wanna know 'bout that though? Who're you?"

Obviously, brute strength would not win the day here…there had to be something that would slow him down and weaken him enough for her to finish him off. Maybe she could get him to tell her, since he was plainly dumber than three fence posts. "My name's Buffy, and-"

Lenny cut her off with a loud guffaw. "An' you're makin' fun of whut _mah_ name is?"

Buffy glared at him, putting her hands on her hips. Really, the things she had to put up with… "Does the title The Slayer mean anything to you?"

His face twisted up as he tried to think about that. "Ya mean, like the band?"

"Nevermind." Taking a deep breath, she edged towards the car door – her weapons bag was in the backseat, and if she could just get to it… "Why were you in there trying to tear that woman's arm off?"

"I was hungry, why else you think?"

"And she refused to serve you because you have a glandular condition?" The door was right there, all she needed was a few seconds. "That's discrimination, and you don't have to take that from anyone."

"Huh? Refused me cuz of a whatsits?"

"Smelling like rotten meat," Buffy clarified.

"Oh, okay." He frowned again, and she took advantage of his inattention to open the door and take the bag out. "No, I think she jus' didn't want me ta eat her, is all."

Buffy nearly dropped the bag. "What did you just say?"

"What did I say when? I cain't remember a lot," Lenny complained. "All you women-folk do is remember thangs, an' I'm hungry as can be."

Her fingers curled around a sharp knife. "What do you want to eat?"

Lenny looked at her as if she were the most stupid person in existence. "People, a' course. Hard ta make 'em stand still long 'nuff though," he lamented. "Ever since wakin' up at the damn kids camp, I caint move quick as usual. Dizzy, too."

"Why would you want to eat people?"

"Uh, maybe 'cause they _taste good? _"

"There's no need to be sarcastic," Buffy said sternly. An idea came to her as he muttered a surly apology, and she took the chance to lean into the car to grab the two-liter Pepsi bottle she'd filled with holy water. "Let me go back inside, and I'll buy you something to eat."

Lenny perked up immediately. "This mean I can get that waitress?"

"Oh, I think I know of something that will taste even better," Buffy promised with a smile, trying not to gag at the smell wafting towards her. He was just like Pigpen come to life out of a Charlie Brown comic strip. "Now, you stay right here and let me bring you something, okay?"

Somehow having forgotten all about her running him over with her car, Lenny nodded and smiled back – she did her best not to reel from the sight of the yellow mess all over his teeth. "Awright."

Buffy tapped on the door, and the waitress peeked through the blinds at her suspiciously before finally unlocking it. "Is he gone? What _was_ that?"

She gave the waitress a reassuring smile as she slipped inside. "Don't worry, I'll take care of him – it looks like he's high on PCP," Buffy explained, using Principal Schneider's common excuse about vampirism. Not that she was entirely sure Lenny was a vampire – nothing that stupid could stay alive (or even undead) for long – but that was just about the only thing she was equipped to deal with at the moment. One didn't exactly pack the whole 'demon-fighting kit' when you were going on vacation; the axe couldn't really fit in your travel bag beside your bikini. "Would you happen to have any blood?"

A few minutes later, she'd poured the entire bottle of holy water into a bowl half-full of ground beef and blood drained from several tubs of chicken liver. Buffy balanced it carefully as she went outside, and she sighed in relief to find Lenny obediently waiting where she'd told him to. He started to sniff the air as she came closer, and fixed upon the bowl greedily. "That for me? That ain't people," he said warningly. "Smells good, though."

"It's an appetizer," Buffy assured him, holding it out.

Lenny stared at it apprehensively, then grabbed the bowl from her and shoved his face into it. She firmly suppressed her urge to gag as he slurped and swallowed noisily, finally dropping the bowl with a sigh. Lenny wiped a grubby hand across his mouth and belched loudly, making Buffy step back to avoid the stench being blown over towards her. _Two liters of holy water, and he's still not down? What does it_ take _to- wait, what's he doing now?_ "So, do I…do I get…" Lenny trailed off, blinking hard. "There's five of ya, how'd ya do that?" he staggered towards her, and Buffy was just reaching for that knife when he collapsed in a heap at her feet.

Buffy opened the trunk of the car and spent the next ten minutes trying to heave Lenny's inert bulk into it. Running around to the driver's seat, she got in and drove off as quickly as she could – maybe Willow could help her identify what he was. It wasn't the best idea in the world to take him back to Slayer Central, but what other real choice did she have? She couldn't allow him to run around loose, however stupid he might be.

She wrinkled her nose as Eau De Leonard began seeping through into the car – maybe she could somehow tie him to the top. One thing was for sure; when she got him back to the others, she was going to wake him up by hosing him off.

  


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